Last month’s topic explored the benefits of mindfulness with an emphasis on selective attention, flexible thinking, and nonjudgmental awareness. The concept of compassion is intimately linked with mindfulness and vice versa. Simply put, compassion can be defined as sympathy for the suffering of others accompanied by a desire to alleviate such suffering (Merriam Webster 2016). Suffering exists on a broad spectrum and can range from severe to mild. For the purpose this discussion, let’s frame it as discord, strife, or disharmony at any level. It could be in the form of stress, anxiety, or struggle. Suffering is something we all experience at some level, at some point in our life and we generally overcome it with reflection, change, and support from others. This often comes in the form of compassion. Compassion for ourselves and compassion from others.
We can all think of a time when we showed compassion for a friend or someone in need when we offered them support. Sometimes this takes the form of a helping hand, a listening ear, or positive encouragement. When friends need help, we generally do our best to offer kindness as we treat them the way we would like to be treated if we were in a similar situation. This, of course, is known as the “Golden Rule.” But, how often do we treat ourselves with such kindness in times of stress or failure? Dr. Kristin Neff of the University of Texas at Austin, has spent a good part of the last decade studying self-compassion and it is based on this notion of treating ourselves with kindness as we do with others when they are in need, basically the Golden Rule in reverse. And, when we practice this level of kindness with ourselves first, we are much more resilient in times of stress and much more capable of giving kindness to others. Dr. Neff identifies in her research, the three components of self-compassion as: self-kindness vs. self-judgment, common humanity vs. isolation, and Mindfulness vs. over-identification (Neff 2016). These three ideas can help as we learn to be more self-compassionate.
Beginning with Mindfulness, we practice being aware of our thoughts and emotions without judgement and practice less impulsivity and reactivity to our experiences. This helps us to be more thoughtful as we act from a place composure and control. This takes a lot of practice because often, we are not even aware of our thoughts and feelings until after we have reacted, sometimes in a negative way or in a way in which we wish we hadn’t. This practice is helpful in the school setting and in life, in general, because when we act from a place poise, we take into consideration our role in a given situation and demonstrate the best version of ourselves as we make choices. Once we practice being aware of our thoughts we realize that we are often not very kind to ourselves, as we would be to a friend. We tend to be very judgmental and critical in our thoughts without even being aware of it. Without Mindfulness, we tend to over identify with this judgement which can affect our overall opinion of ourselves, our self- esteem, and self-confidence. So, by practicing being aware of our thoughts, we can practice being kinder to ourselves by changing thoughts of judgement and criticism into thoughts of self-support and self-encouragement.
Being self-supportive and self-encouraging takes practice in order to embrace Dr. Neff’s concept of self-kindness. From her research, Dr. Neff reminds us that, “Self-compassionate people recognize that being imperfect, failing, and experiencing life difficulties is inevitable, so they tend to be gentle with themselves when confronted with painful experiences rather than getting angry when life falls short of set ideals (Neff 2016).” This idea allows us to be less self-critical and more accepting of whatever current situation we find ourselves in. From this place of acceptance, we are more able to process life’s difficulties and move forward in a way that gives ourselves permission to fail and make mistakes. When we do this, we realize that failure is a very important part of the learning process and an opportunity to learn and grow.
As we learn and grow and incorporate an attitude of Mindfulness and self-kindness, we realize that we are all in this together. This explains Dr. Neff’s concept of common “humanity vs. isolation.” Dr. Neff reminds us that,” self-compassion involves recognizing that suffering and personal inadequacy is part of the shared human experience – something that we all go through rather than being something that happens to “me” alone (Neff 2016).” By recognizing this, we’re more likely to understand that trials, tribulation, failure, and stress are all a part of life that we all experience at some point. In a way, this gives us permission to push forward as we realize that “this too shall pass” and we can learn from our experiences. This helps us to be resilient and as we see life’s difficulty as opportunity to become better versions of ourselves as we reach for our goals and realize our desires.
As we learn as children who we are and how we relate to the world and as we continue to learn it in adulthood and throughout life, incorporating an attitude of self-compassion can allow us to be more accepting of ourselves, and therefore more accepting of others. The next time we make a mistake or an undesirable choice; instead of criticizing, blaming, and judging ourselves, we can say something like, “It’s okay, I’m really frustrated,” or, “I’m going through a difficult time right now.” Statements like this, according to Dr. Neff, can help us realize that we’re all really doing our best most of the time, given the circumstances. This attitude of acceptance can act as a springboard to explore better choices as we learn from our experiences. When we learn from and integrate our experiences and teach our children to do the same, we become more balanced, adaptable people always able to handle the highs and lows of life.
References
Merriam Webster (2006). Available at: dictionary.com
Kristin Neff, Ph.D. (2016). Definition of Self-Compassion. Available at: selfcompassion.org.